I’m not a Woman

I don’t usually buy “Women’s magazines”, but out of sheer restlessness from lining up at the cash register, I reached out for the magazine rack impulsively and grabbed one. I won’t mention the name, all I can say is I got suckered in to the marketing blurb on the cover in italics “For women, by women”. Money could have been better spent on a weekly tram ticket. After only a few page turns I realised that while I am in possession of a vagina and relatively cup worthy boobs, I was just not getting the magazine. There was absolutely no literary or visual chemistry whatsoever. Which naturally lead me to the conclusion that – I am not a woman, as proven rightfully so by such Women’s magazine.

I don’t enjoy reading literature in a bath tub adorned with candles.

I don’t own a hand-crafted Louis Vuitton shoulder bag, and I still call them shoulder bags.

I don’t understand why you need so many fake diamantes on the shell of your mobile phone.

I don’t need to see stretch marks on Kim Kardashian’s thighs to feel better about myself.

I don’t need to learn how to wear my hair from day to night because, well, I don’t have much of it.

I don’t think its empowering to feature the top 10 sexiest women of 2011, as chosen by men. (wtf)

I don’t think its nice to feature Lesbian’s titled “Lipstick Lesbians” and then advertise Revlon’s ColorBurst Lipgloss on the next page.

I don’t have any flowy skirts to hide my “Thunder Thighs” or ruffled tops to make my boobs look bigger. 

I hardly think your Hot or Not lists and Starstruck vs Starsuck can be considered as articles. P.s Why so bitchy?

I don’t find embarrassing stories from your female readers remotely entertaining or educational. 

I cringe at your chart of 10 other places to kiss him other than his mouth.

I don’t need your 3 essential tips to “Taking Time To Be Me”. I think a good start would be to put down this magazine.

Yup, definitely not a woman.


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9 comments

  1. Hear, hear for nonwomen! Let me grow out my beard with ya.

    I used to read them when I was stressed… but I haven’t had the urge to buy those things in a while because I just get angry about what they put in their magazines these days and how it affects the future generations of women.

    1. Totally agree. That’s why I’d rather read design magazines like Wallpaper and tech stuff on Wired. I seek more inspiring reads rather than purely fashion & beauty. How regurgitative! Same shit, different cover girl. Good luck with the facial hair ya :p

      1. Haha, thanks 🙂 I actually don’t understand how people still buy them. They’re literally buying insecurities (can you tell? I’ve recently written a paper about this lol)

        I love design magazines! Especially architectural design–some make me want to just pack up and travel. Like the treehouse/underwater hotels. Damn.

  2. Never read them….Beauty magazines make you feel ugly….

    1. Good call. Makes you feel stupid too, after aprox 5 flips. By the way, love your post about the toilet roll. Bet you got your point across! Your kids must have stories to tell. LOL! Can’t seem to leave a comment tho? Did you disable it?

  3. sarahjaneprosetry · · Reply

    You put this so brilliantly. I wonder what a magazine for “non-women” would look like. And, I have to admit, I do like to read in a bathtub adorned with candles.

    1. Haha. Guilty! 😛 I guess a “non-women” magazine would resemble that of GQ.

  4. Irony in it’s purest form lol. Awesome post =]

  5. I’m sure you’re ALL woman, Masked Crusader!

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