Sorry I Lied

“The internet is the devils playground!” my parents warned me. “You shouldn’t post pictures of yourself in revealing clothing. And why are you always drinking and smoking in your pictures. What would your boss think of you? Don’t make all that sexy sexy pose on Facebook. Makes you look cheap. You don’t want to attract the wrong people. Look what happened to that Hilton girl! “

They’re probably right. If I’m not careful, I might end up in a sex video, turn you on with my dangerously sexy pout and befriend perverts and lose my job – I guess that’s how I’d end up doing a sex video. Either my parents really are spot on or I’m just stringing their concerns into an unlikely plot.

On the topic of indecent pictures being strewn around the internet, I might as well come clean. Wouldn’t want you to stumble across any incriminating pictures from my ex or former Myspace page and see me grinning with my braces in over-sized overalls. And you most likely would too, because….

…in reality, I’m actually surprisingly tame. Beneath this purported “wild” facade, I’m just a geek without glasses. On the off chance that I do reveal some cleavage, don’t get too excited – its just shadow and the unfortunate slip of a shoulder blouse. My life doesn’t revolve around dance floors and disco balls. I’m the girl who’d rather stay in to beat the highest score on Bejeweled – on a Friday night. And despite my signature Rock & Roll salutation and somewhat obscene reptile-like tongue gestures, I can’t play a single instrument or tie cherry stems into knots. For the record, I’m pretty much a domestic dame versus the disorderly diable I project myself to be. I dread being dragged to nightclubs – the dilemma of not knowing what to wear wears me down before I even put a leg through my knickers. I may have two tattoos but bet you didn’t know that the first was from drunken stupor and the second was on an arm once so flabby, I didn’t feel as much as a pinch (yes, I used to be fat).

So I hope I’ve cleared the smoke of confusion before my parents’ words of consternation comes back to haunt me. Now that you’ve been informed of my desperate attempt to feign an exciting life of sex drugs and alcohol, you may put an end to your infrequent visits to my blog, “unfollow” me on twitter and “unfriend” me on Facebook. Now that you know the truth.

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