There is nothing intrinsically exciting in the coming of age, unless you’re eager to go clubbing without a fake ID. At the ‘tender’ age of 29, I find myself reflecting on my past once again – about 2 years 5 months 1 day ago, to be exact. It would be pure self-sabotage to discuss openly on the string of failed relationships I’ve left behind me that lead up to this – I might look it but I’m not that masochistic. Yet, it’s difficult to ignore the domino events that has collapsed like a trail of destruction. As time’s obdurate arm tick by the hourly chimes to mark the days, weeks and months to come, my anxious self shudders at the thought of turning 30 in January. Wow. How the last 2 years have passed.
When I returned to Malaysia in 2008, I found myself sucked into the incestuous cesspool of the local gay scene. There’s always a certain pattern that occurs amongst lesbians when it comes to an outsider. They circle you like hungry vultures, eager to feed their curiosity. Then they befriend you, mistake your friendly gestures as flirtatious advances. Then they develop feelings and behave as if they “own” you and thus the unavoidable drama follows. Different cities, same shit.
Thankfully I got into a relationship that finally put the rumor mongers to rest with their finger pointing, gossip, backstabbing and of course, the bitching. Let it be known that I am not a home wrecker. I do not crotch block or stand in the way of lesbian u-haulers. It’s not my style to stick my foot out on your stride.
When a friend and her partner broke up (within 3 months of my return), things turned Wah Lai Toi on me. I was accused of cheating, lying, manipulating and “stealing” her partner – a sensationalized script away from being accused of framing my step-sister in an act of vengeance and murdering a sick uncle for his inheritance. Ladies, put down the remote control and come peek between the curtains and into the window of my theatrical life!
I guess it doesn’t really matter what mode of defense I put on. Only my Miss.B and I know the innocence of how our relationship started. So Miss.B, as I shall call her, is to the most part, on the other side of the spectrum from me. My ex Biko was different in the sense that she was from the country (I reckon she’d kill me if she read this), wanted to jump out of copters, carry guns and went months without washing her long wavy hair (still remains a mystery). She’s now in the federal police force training in Canberra. Good for her and thank God things ended when it did, otherwise I’d be camping out in a boring town void of excitement, working in a dead-end job like…..the local laundromat. The horror.
Miss.B on the other hand is on the separate end of the spectrum. She’s a buttoned down conservative and a private person (read: closet). Me? I’m out and proud, in the creative field, smoke and drink freely, loud and am anything but the conventional conservative. I’m the “goes where the wind blows” type. I have nothing to hide and am not ashamed of my sexuality – which would just burst the bubble of her self-contained asylum. My demeanor alone would violate her sanctum, especially how people have the tendency to stare at me and my freaky ways as if I’m hovering in a Jedi stance, floating about amongst mortals. I stick out like a sore thumb at family reunions as the tattooed oddball. Imagine the disapproving looks that couples-who-dress-alike attract and amplify it by 10, that’s me; that train-wreck attraction of gawps and gapes.
Well, that was then. I’ve toned down heaps. I dress decently now, I hardly have my hair in a mohawk and I don’t flash my tats (that’s not a typo) or my middle finger around like Courtney Love. I’m in a much better place now but surprisingly, in a place I never expected to be. I never thought I’d return to Malaysia. To visit for holidays, yes. To live and work, absofreakinglutely not! But hey, as fate would have it, my 3 month time frame extended from 10.07.08 till today. Just a couple of days ago we celebrated our 2 year anniversary. I can still hear the cynics voices ringing in my head from time to time…..”She’ll end up hurting you. You’re both too different.” And so it goes – age gap too wide, nothing in common, too restless, too wild, too gay – amongst many other gay couple analysis that proved fallacious.
Surely this odd couple wouldn’t last?! The lesbian oracle prophecy went like this – Yes things will be great for the first year or so but based on Miss.B’s “track record”, all her ex’s had an expiry date and there’s every indication that I too would end up in the ex-pile of statistics. I was stubborn and I guess my stubbornness did me good because here we are; 2 years later.
Miss.B and I talk about our future from time to time. The one question that trumps the “what kind of house would we live in?” and “where would we travel to?” questions is this – “Are we committed to this relationship?” The answer is an irrefutable ‘Yes’. Will things change in the future especially upon my return to Oz? Most certainly, but I can personally say in all honesty that I have absolutely no regrets. My choice to stay on in Malaysia is factored by her presence but I will not hold her accountable should things not pan out. For all its worth, we truly did make the best out of the time we’ve had together. Unlike other relationships, I would not tarnish our time together. Even in recollection of memories shared, should we one day part due to differences, I wouldn’t carelessly spill on the past over drunken confessions and egoistic refutes.
I love our time together. We’ve traveled to many islands and cities. We’ve gone on many expeditions. Walked under the rain in Sydney. Went on a food expedition in Melbourne. Braved the 40deg heat on my graduation day. Watched the sunset and rise in Bali. Explored Singapore’s flossy streets together. Swam under the crashing waves in Phuket. Shopped in the mad markets of Bangkok. Walked along the beaches in Langkawi. Lived together for over a year in KL. Along the way, we’ve grown to really see each other for who we are. That’s not something I can say for many of my family members, let alone friends.
So for two great years behind us, I thank you.
Thank you for being there even when I didn’t know I needed you.
Thank you for the patience and understanding that at times, I failed to impart.
Thank you for the many sincere acts of kindness and generosity that you’ve shown my loved ones and I.
Thank you for helping me eliminate unnecessary swear words from my everyday vocabulary – without realizing it!?!
Thank you for willing to make certain sacrifices to be with me.
Thank you for teaching me how to deal with stress, the value of money and the importance of being earnest!
Thank you for always thinking of my well-being and going out of your way to ensure I am safe and happy
– even if it means selflessly putting aside your own for mine.
Thank you for opening up my eyes and heart.
Thank you for making me a better version of me.
But most of all, I thank you for being a part of my life and for wanting to continue this journey together, regardless of our destination.