Ouch.







 

Nothing describes betrayal like “Ouch”

The past few months have been a toilsome one for me – friendship wise. When it comes to friends, I keep a close knit. Since I’ve been living away from my family since the age of 14, my friends have become my surrogate family. Thus I have become increasingly   picky with the people I surround myself with in my life. I’m not a friendship whore. I pick quality over quantity.You know, friends I can trust and know will be there for me. No.Matter.What. (Vice versa)


Yes its becoming increasingly rare to the point where I question myself if my father was right all along. If my choices of friends truly reflect my values and worth, then I must not be a very good friend, or person for that matter. For a while I believed it. My father’s words of wisdom rang through my ears. But you know what? I’ll be damned if I continue to wallop myself further from the hurt they have already caused.

So I dedicate this post to my once so called “friends”. More than anything, above the basic sanctities of friendship,
I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.

There’s the friendship by default based on some 12 years of being in each other’s lives. The childhood friend who was like a sister to me at one point, changed in such quantum leaps that we were reduced to small talk. The distance grew between us over the years when we were abroad, as it did with her other friends from once upon a time. In her quiet desperation to rekindle our friendship and hers with others, divulged secrets I trusted her with. The guilt must have got to her and when she finally confessed, her admissions were open ended – and deceiving to say the least. Perhaps the alcohol prompted it  (not that its excusable). I am not sure and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to confront her. I guess I would rather leave it this way. Walk away a little wiser.

I don’t believe in faking friendships.

Joining a mutual “friend” at work. Towards the end of my vocation, found out he was going behind my back saying things that were hurtful, damaging and untrue. That took quite a blow at me too. The hierarchy was always there but I didn’t realize that the friendship was lost upon appointment. I guess I should have been more cognizant of our occupational boundaries. Yet again with him, I did not confront. I would rather leave it this way. Walk away a little less naive.

I don’t believe in forcing friendships.

Then there’s you. I think our friendship meant the most to me. Yet the betrayal was far greater than any friendship that managed to hurt me this severely. When I speak of trust, I trusted you with every part of my life. My tumultuous relationships, my inner demons, my dark past, my deepest thoughts… I shared with you as much as I could have and I would like to think you found the same comfort and trust within our friendship. The one time I made you promise me not to take matters into your own hands, I was left feeling like a fool. Yes you had valid reasons to go behind my back. Yes blood IS thicker than water. But it did not concern you that way. It was something I had to deal with on my own. Yet you took the liberty and took matters into your own hands, creating an ugly chain of events that I was left to battle on my own. No apology on your side. No sense of remorse. I was shocked, I never quite cried that way over the lost of a friendship. The sense of betrayal was indescribable. I guess your ego was larger than our friendship and with you too, I avoided the confrontation. Pretended it didn’t matter. I guess I would rather forgive and forget. Walk away a little stronger.

I don’t believe in fickle friendships.

Based on everything that has occurred over the past few months, I thank you all for teaching me these valuable lessons. I sincerely do not regret anything that has transpired and in fact, I am glad I know where I stand with you now. Its better to have trusted and been betrayed than to have not trusted at all. Tho I won’t deny that it did hurt. It still does a little but I won’t allow it to cripple the faith I have in my existing friendships. Knowing my forgiving nature (I think I have to toughen up a little), who’s to say we might not patch things up again when the time comes? I doubt it but I believe people can change and I’ll still be civil. But for now, as the saying goes, ” Friends for a reason.  Friends for a season. Friends for life”.

I believe I’ll hold on to the latter.

 

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8 comments

  1. oh my gorgeous · · Reply

    You painted the picture well of how much was gone through with one the biggest part of life; friendships. The idea is there, and hopefully, your believes sail you through life peacefully without much damage.

  2. Hi Tay,

    Thanks for your comment.

    I don’t mind damage. I feel that I am damaged, but in a good way. If that makes any sense.

    Life is like an airport terminal. We’re either arriving or leaving. People fade in and out. Some remain constant – tho, very few. But I honestly believe people come into our lives and depart for a reason. It might be temporary. It might be permanent. But always with good reason.

  3. oh my gorgeous · · Reply

    Ahhhh…..

    Fair enough. People do fade in and out. Its the effect that they leave behind, see. And i refer to the damage as people who was loved by one leave permanently. And that suck big time.

    Either way, we move on. So no point sulking on it and if so, do it quietly, cuz what i think is no one really truly care about your life. Ultimately you live for yourself and i assume that’s what people think too.

    On a side note, very little entries, i see here?

  4. Work has been bogging me down. Writer surpression. Need to feed the need to continue writing.

    Midst of migration. Think I’ll stick to skybambi.blogspot.com 🙂 u have a blog?

  5. oh my gorgeous · · Reply

    i was checking out the cafe (wondermilk?) apparently it is in malaysia. therefore, the next question would be, is it only in malaysia?

    I do have a blog. huijie.livejournal.com
    i don’t see the need to write lots on my blog though. don’t want to sound pathetic but nothing much is happening in life now. but do check it out. for passing your time if need be.

  6. That’s not pathetic. To the contrary. I don’t believe in writing for the sake of writing. Its an outlet for creativity and if anything, to vent!

    Wondermilk is a Malaysian company.

    Check out the website. Its pretty cool http://wondermilk.com/

  7. Opps i think their website is down.

    go to http://wondermilk.tumblr.com/ for now.

  8. oh my gorgeous · · Reply

    checking them out now. its interesting. anyway, nice talking to you. blogspot it is then.

    i’m a reader. i believe you are too. haha

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