So here, let me share with you the ugly moments and how I managed to avoid turning into an emotional junkyard. Woe be me if I allow anyone else to cling onto a toothbrush or a strand of hair. Blessed be to those who allow alcohol to become their staple. (Come on, we all know it works even if its for one mind-numbing vomit ejecting/inducing night)
First off, I was broken up with. I was caught totally off-guard. I thought things were improving and I was making more of an effort to compromise. What I didn’t realize was that in the process, I compromised my own identity and being. I thought of all those times she cried and pleaded with me to give her another chance. Those sms’s and emails that caught her out and how I put my pride and dignity aside to make provision for hers. Up to the very moment of the breakup, she led me on to believe that we were in the same emotional space, even though on her end, she knew it was over. She even bought time while she was away, to decide on all the reasons why she’s better off without me. What a fact to accept. So, naturally when it happened, I was in total shock. The manner in which it was done didn’t help either. But there is no good way to end a relationship, this I know. But there is a good way of handling it – in which case, she failed miserably.
Random sms’s of love and misses and affectionate hugs and cuddles on the rare occasion we met really mind-fucked me. How can someone dump you and still treat you as if nothing happened? The dumper trying to speed up the healing process to be friends is cruel to expect from the dumpee. Break-up sex only makes things worse. Trust me. She even asked me for a kiss when we parted on one occasion, which thank god, I used to channel all my anger into good use. Nevertheless, I was insanely confused. I couldn’t get my mind around how one person who ended the relationship could still come back seemingly wishing she didn’t. But of course, now I realize why it was so easy for her. She was already over it. Yet I allowed her to linger a bit longer, hoping that we could at least save our friendship. Still, I wanted to hear from her and talk to her like we used to. Until I realized that I am only punishing myself. But don’t blame me, blame it on the follies of love.
It’s difficult not to pine over someone who doesn’t want you anymore. Yes, I was secretly hoping that she would realize what a big mistake she made and come back to me on her Kawasaki with flowers in one hand. Hey, a girl can dream. But of course, I knew deep inside that even if she did want me back, getting back with her would be a huge risk I would not be willing to take. But see, our ego has a way of overruling our logic. It convinces you that all the pain you’re feeling right now, is worth it. That when you finally get what you want, it will go away. Newsflash, it won’t. Do you really want to be with someone who will never want you the way you want them? Okay don’t answer that yet.
So now you’re probably sitting at home wondering what she’s up to. Does she still think of me? Does she miss me? Is it as difficult as it is for her as it is for me? Has she met someone? Is she fighting the need to call me because she doesn’t want to hurt me? All these questions are as common as a pimp’s whore. What do you want your friends to tell you? Naww she’ll never meet anyone else. You’ll be the only one to ever give her face any muscle action. She’s probably sprawled on the ground in her underwear with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a picture of you in the other. Well, here’s the reality: SHE broke up with you. This means that while you’re hurting now and the pain is oh so raw, prior to the break up, she was already easing you off, distancing herself and reciting her speech.
You ready for more? Don’t be fooled by her tears or words and pat yourself on the back with “Oh she still loves me” because honey, those are tears of guilt, not love. Want to know what she ultimately felt after dumping you? Relief. Like a great weight have just lifted off her shoulders. I know this because I was also a dumper. So stop pining over someone who gave you those top 5 reasons why she can’t be with you (even though she still ‘loves’ you and ‘cares’ for you). Words. Pish. For whatever reason someone dumps you, it is not love. Love does not abandon you even in the stormiest of nights.
It is easy to start blaming yourself and cling on to the bad memories, wishing you did things differently. It is easy not to leave the house to do groceries because you’ve lost your appetite. It is easy to blow off a job you don’t have; give excuses to not go out because you’d rather pine at home and be all self-pitiful. Well, you know what? You’re only punishing yourself. Because at the end of the day, when you finally realize that she’s moved on and no longer factors into your life and you’re stuck with yourself, you’re going to want to wish you took better care of you!
So what can you do to move on?
*Pack – right now you’re probably sitting around a room filled with memories of her. All those random items are invading your personal space and turning your room into a torture chamber. Everytime you see anything remotely related to her you feel a jolt of pain. Why do that to yourself? Pack it all up in a box and get it out! Be it sending it back to her or passing it to a friend for preservation sake, until you’re truly over it. I don’t care if you are left with only one pillow and a mug, it’s a start and once you get it over and done with, you will feel ten folds better. Promise J
*Friends – Hang out with people who knew her and would remind you of all the reasons why she’s not good for you. Don’t romanticize the past! Let them drag you out to do random everyday duties. Even if it means tagging along just to have the pleasure of momentary distraction and company!
*God – Sometimes when you’re too comfortable in a mediocre life, he will stir things up so that you will push yourself for a more deserving one!
*Family – They will remind you that you are a person loved without the person you love(d).
*Socializing – meeting new people often reminds you of all the other people out there that you have yet to meet!
*Shopping – go out and pamper yourself. Be it a new hair cut or manicure or eyebrow trimming or that new pair of tsubi’s you’ve been eying on. Remind yourself that you’re hot shit.
*Redecorate – move your furniture around. This will trick your mind into thinking that you’re now in a different emotional space. This might mean getting a few bruises here and there from bumping into things in the dead of the night but it will sure help you learn to adapt again and remind you that you will survive this even if your hearts say no no no.
Note the repetition of the word “remind” . You’re in such an awful state of emotional masochism that you no longer remember how you were before you met her. Welcome change! Move forward into a new life. It’s a great way to start over. Think of all the things you can do now that you no longer have to compromise. Think of the places you can travel to. You’re no longer tied down to a relationship which wasn’t that great in the first place. You’ll agree with me in time, at which point you can just bank it into my account.
So I’ll leave you with this. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.
Choose the journey, not the destination.
Trust me, its a better route to take, albeit a more challenging one. How do I know this? Because I have and it is taking me places I never thought I’d dare venture to.