Just a Joke

Listening to Leona Lewis should be self-explanatory.  

Every time I see the ring that she gave me I remember how I swore that “this time, this time, I’ll definitely throw it away…” but somehow it finds its way back on my mantle. Metal against metal. Numbers aligned to mark a date that once marked an anticipation of hope and celebration. I put it on and remember how we first met. I try to recall my steps. How somehow along the way, I lost myself in the significance of her by making myself less significant. How she left me within an hour to leave me to the realization that I no longer know who I am without her. One reason I don’t cook and sleep in my bed anymore. But I loved her.

I put the 4 black metal rings on saying “I just want to see if it still fits” and quickly remove it, remembering how I only say that because what I really mean to say is that I miss her and wish she would come back, only unchanged. I know that if she turned up on my doorstep, I wouldn’t know her anyway. She’s no longer the person I used to love. The person who at one point, had all of me without question or request. How she has treated me after the break up has made a bigger impact on me as compared to how she once was when we were together. I am sick of the mind games, the meaningless affection, the hot and cold, the beck and call. It is far more tiring wanting to be loved by that one person and a whole lot easier to allow everyone else to love me in return.

Time is playful on our expectations, makes us weaker, makes us forfeit our tomorrows by concealing itself as an unbroken promise. But time also heals, builds and comforts. It just depends on how you chose to deal with the pain. I don’t make altars for anyone, but I don’t know why it’s so hard to just throw it away. Maybe because in some form of sadistic irony, she decided to replace the one I lost with a new one on the day she decided to end our relationship. Did she not realise it wasn’t simply a ring but a symbol of our love and commitment to each other? Maybe I’ll just give it to someone else and tell them all about the cliches of the obsession with love and disillusion with the idea of it…

… cause by then, it’ll finally be evident to me that it was all just a joke.

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5 comments

  1. just stumbled by · · Reply

    I kept clicking “next blog” and stumbled upon ours. This post of yours hit a strong chord. Sometimes when we fall in love we put that one person we care so much about on a pedestal. Then one day you realize that your footing in her life is so unstable, that it plays-on every bit of insecurity you never even knew you had. You realize that you were living with the hope of what could be, rather than paying attention to the reality of what was. To you I dedicate Jennifer Paige’s song “Sober”. Take good care, it’s only a moment. It will pass.

  2. Anonymous · · Reply

    haha could i send my blog address it to you via another way, don’t wanna post it up here :)it would be nice to know what you thought about it. i just gotta give you a heads up about expectations. it’s not good really.rayner

  3. Bambino · · Reply

    oh and stumbled by:thanks for the word of encouragement! I guess we’ve all thread down that road and came out better off than before. I know that cos already I have moved on from what would have been a long and painful self-inflicting journey. I smile knowing better things await me! 🙂

  4. Whaley Bear · · Reply

    Her Terc,I leave you with this, as this is what I am focused on in moving on with my life, though it hurts I know God will never let us go through anything God knows we can’t handle.”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference”.Hugs,Nisha

  5. Bambino · · Reply

    Good wisdom indeed.:)Tx

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