Dear Old Self,
I’m burying you. All cried out now, I look back and I realise that life has shifted and am no longer the same person. I spent the last couple of hours trying to make sense of what has just happened. I spoke to friends on the phone. Cried. Ached. Hated. Still hurting. This pain is not new to me but somehow I am dealing with things differently. This time, it seems I am slightly stronger. I have no reason to hate and less reason to wallow in self-pity. I’m mourning. That is a sign of acceptance. I’m proud of the new me, for gathering the strength and courage to pack her belongings away. For trying to accept what has happened. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been for a while now. But I know things will be better now that I am leaving you behind.
It is important that you know it is not you who have failed this relationship. Because you have done everything to love this person. You have changed, willingly but unknowingly. You have lost yourself so deep in love that you couldn’t have possibly loved any better or any more. And there is no right or wrong way to love. Love has its own way within you to grow. It makes you do things you never thought you’d be capable of. Compromises and sacrifices were made. Looking back, you wouldn’t have done things any different. Knowing that is realizing you can’t continue to do any more. You would have put yourself through more pain, blaming yourself for everything but I am going to put a stop to this.
You can’t force someone to be with you. “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. Hurts doesn’t it? You’ve heard it too many times from the lips of others but you’ve never quite understood that expression. How can you love someone and not want to be with her. There must not be a shred of love left for someone to want to walk out on you. Especially knowing that putting an end to you means putting an end to any possible future. And now it has been said to you. You took the bullet and you died. I survived. Granted, for just a couple of hours, as there are many hours, days and years to come yet but it’s a start that you were never capable of.
For now, this is to tell you that unlike you, I will not continue to cling on to a person who no longer wants me. Unlike you, I will not allow myself to cling on to the past. I am going to continue this journey and remind myself that I’m not a bad person just because one person no longer loves me. Remind myself of everyone else who loves me for who I am and unlike you, I refuse to beat myself up over a failed relationship. Who knows what the future will hold. For now, you will hurt, you will cry but for sure, it won’t kill me. I won’t die over this. I will be stronger and when I fall in love again (and I will) I will still love with the same passion and I will love someone who deserves my love.
Goodbye for now old self. I will not allow you to continue suffering from your negativity. I will love me and put myself before the pain inflicted by another. You would have clinged on to the past and pain and slip into negativity and depression but it is time for me to be strong for you. It is time to let me love myself again and not love me through someone else’s acceptance and love.
This is part of your death and my awakening.
The new you.