It’s been 6 weeks since my big trip and since then I have fallen in and out of depression. Not knowing what to do, where to start and losing my sense of purpose in life. I picked up old shelved self-help books, desperate to find a way out. Books I thought I managed to bury past me since my last break-up. But in life, there are no quick solutions within 10 chapters and “The 24-Hour-Turn-Around” doesn’t really work. I found myself flipping through to specific chapters like “Addiction is a dereliction”. Catchy but tacky. I should have known better.
Since returning home to Melbourne, I began to dig deep. I needed to know exactly why I am so fixated on fear to the point of immobility. I didn’t know how to move forward into my life. I guess sitting around makes one think too much. I have always been a self-analytical/cynical/critical person and it has contributed to my total lack of self-esteem. Feeling I could never achieve anything and always put myself down when compliments are thrown my way. Hearing from people praising my abilities only makes me doubt myself even more. I’m my own worst enemy. I really am very hard on myself and I set such high standards that I intimidate *points at self* from even trying!
So I’m standing in the middle of a crossroad and I don’t know where I’m heading. I have finally graduated and with all the excitement, I did not anticipate what was before me – a blank slate to start over. And that terrifies me. Surely with all the monstrous possibilities, there will be more opportunities for monstrous failure. I know right? How in dire need am I of Dr.Phil?!
And so I begin to wonder, where did all my hopes and dreams go? I used to be confident to the danger point of overflowing into cockiness. Not in the superficial and shallow sense but confident in my inner abilities. See, I didn’t have much to work with but I already blogged about that so lets not regurgitate emotional vomit. I miss my naïve daydreams back then. When I once believed I would conquer the world with my passion and art. Nothing was impossible. As the years rolled on and I was exposed to miraculous achievements and despairing failures of people around me (mine included of course), I began to gain perspective and the dreams I had diminished and faded till it became like a distant memory of the song “Que Sera”.
I’m trying to build myself up again. I have never felt so lost and hopefully I will realize my potential and rekindle my passion and ambition. At times like these when I feel hopeless, I remember the smiles of children in the Philippines. I am absolutely amazed by their sense of innocence and contentment with the little they have despite their state of poverty.
Their smiles so sincere, they glowed with happiness. How can we complain and expect so much of the material world we live in when they have been robbed of their rights to a life none other than the ones they were born into? They are such an inspiration to me. I left feeling a sense of responsibility to live my life with purpose and conviction.
And so begins a new chapter of my life. “Whatever will be, will be.”