Asian Invasion

Wendy and I share similar traits. Well, I can name at least a hand full.

1. We both like Will&Grace
2. We are both Capricorn
3, We both feel old (Feel ok. I said ‘feel’)
4. We are both in a serious relationship with a white chick (one each of course – I don’t like to go dutch).
5. We are both Asian.

Not to say our life has been an orgy of Asiaphiles – think pedophiles. But since Biko is my first official Ang Moh girlfriend I haven’t really pondered much on this topic until recently over a conversation with Wendy over a quick bite and chat at Ms.Libertines.

We have both noticed recently that Asians in Melbourne have acquired somewhat of a label of exoticism amongst the Westerners (and I don’t mean it in a “Oh so you know how to make Yum Cha?” kind of way). I’m talking about Asians who wouldn’t normally be labeled as hot or good looking or cute or sexy in their natural habitat being deemed so here in this odd climate of racial sexualization of the Mulans.

I can’t begin to recollect how many times I have been approached by sleazy man trying to pick me up with “nhi hao” …um excuse me? “konnichiwa?” ….ah no. “Selamat?” …Err. “So where are you from? and yadda yadda yadda”. Translation: Me so horny.

Needless to say this has worked to our advantage (i.e Wendy, Soon Yi Allen and I) so we shouldn’t really sit around and prove them wrong! But us being Capricorn and all, deep thinkers and wonderers of the mysteries of the Universe, we do anyway.

I don’t mean this in a racist context but are Asians the new black?

“Maybe they see something in us that we can’t see?” Wendy ponders out loud, not really expecting a reply.

Sitting there with the residue of anchovies on the corner of my mouth while trying to swallow the pizza, I digested the question. I doubt I could have provided any satisfactory reply other than “err…self-loathe?” After all, do we not think highly enough of ourselves to accept that Asians have grown better looking in the last decade, more educated, well-travelled and what not, rather than think its some conspiracy to trick us into cooking, cleaning, or entertaining them by playing the piano or violin while popping out ping pong balls in their circus of shame.

But seriously, by no means am I suggesting for the ‘curse’ to be lifted. I mean really, who are we to question this yellow fever phenomenon? Who says slit eyes, flat noses, thin lips and lack of height can’t be sexy? I guess in some culture that can be seen as the mainstream appeal of Lucy Liu instead of your regular fob (Fresh Off the Boat).

Fig.2
Biko suggested that I put a picture of me on a boat.
So here is her rendition of “Where is Fobby?”

But when someone you know mistakes some repulsive Asian chick for the Chinky version of Shane from the L word, you stop and you say “enough is enough!”.

Take Garth for an example. He walks down the street and literally gestures with his eyes and passes remarks like “Oh hello there Currylicious” or “Mmmmm, I’d touch that.” and my favorite “I’d give her one.”

Okay. Just in case you don’t know what ‘one’ means, its the one between the legs.

And of course, me being keh poh and curious as to what sets the standards for straight male (I call it research), follow his gesticulation of perversion only to find some waddling stumpy looking Asian in some skanky outfit and big ‘racks’ (a.k.a jugs) or even just some chinky eye starry surprise in your regular bum attire. Yeah, apparently we are just THAT potent. Our slanty eyes and flat noses have last betrayed us with the possession of a somewhat incredibly perilous power of seduction which I am not sure we are prepared to exercise responsibly.

It’s like D.U.I. We give them the illusion that under our demure everyday normal attire, we are some cheong sum wearing, hair in the wind, floating and flying through trees walking on bending Bamboo’s. It should be stamped on the foreheads of all Asian chicks in Western societies: “Objects may appear more Asian than they really are”. Thanks to Hollywood for inculcating the stereotype.

I guess we’ll just have to bask in this momentary lapse of illusion; count our lucky stars for the fortunate chance of being deemed desirable based on the random blessing of our skin pigmentation.

Asian male’s take note, the same effect does not apply. It is gender bias. I don’t make the rules.

Update: Biko mentioned something that I didn’t really consider into my whole theory. “Maybe it’s just cos there’s so many of you.” Refer to Fig.2

Trust Biko to crush my little theories into pieces. Sigh.

Just for laughs, watch the Mad Tv’s “Aren’t Asians Great”. A hilarious version of Gwen’s Sweet Escape. See! Even celebrities like to accessorise us into their wardrobes and dance routines. Now all we have to do is convince Pauline Hanson and we’ll have green cards where ever we go. Or in this case, yellow?

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10 comments

  1. paisley · · Reply

    having been a white girl most of my life, i can tell you white males have been interested in asian females for ever… i think you are correct in assuming it is in the majority for stereotypical reasons… but the the mystery as to whether or not their “slit” goes from side to side instead of from front to back hasn’t hurt any…..by the way.. i’ve been meaning to ask you……..

  2. Bambino · · Reply

    Hahaha! My gf and I were sitting around wondering what you meant by ‘slit’ and I jokes you were referring to the…you-know. Turned out I was right!So what is this you want to ask?? Sounds serious….. *bites nails*

  3. ni jiang she meh?

  4. Bambino · · Reply

    Wo bu je dao ah. Ni wen wor nar ge nie hai je se mah? Wo de nu peng you bu shi huan ta. Wo have no idea ta yau wen wo she meh.That looks so weird.

  5. Sure as hell seem like a hype here in melbourne….seeing white guys with asian chics..Many a times I find myself sitting on a tram opposite such a couple, trying to understand what really attracts the guy when the girl can hardly hold a proper conversation in english.. My friend’s a kiwi and he learnt japanese just to be able to communicate with his girlfriend.. A couple of years back we had a D&M about white guys dating asians and his stand was that its cause white chics are too high maintenance… I guess its the ‘dominance’ factor that they possess when being with an asian… and of course, the sex.Apparently.. the fact that asians are smaller in built… would mean.. t-i-g-h-t-e-r. I dont mean to generalize guys, but its times like that that I’m glad I’m into girls…and oh, no asian-shane-wannabes can ever come close to the realll thing.. cheers!

  6. Bambino · · Reply

    Yeah I agree. Good example would be Garth…cos “they are freaking hot and they love it and pretty easy as well”. My gf says “they let you do what they want to them”. Garth continues “and they go straight to sleep”. :They know who’s the boss.I didn’t say this. The whities did. :Submissive.:Good at ironing and stuff too.:Make your bed.God…I should be insulted but….I love em so. Yeah. White people need us. What can I say? sigh…hahaha. Thank god for Lezzas! Ditto to that!

  7. Anonymous · · Reply

    I like how you said that it doesn’t apply to asian boys. this is so true. I only like asian girls. -ck

  8. Bambino · · Reply

    Yeah ur a rice lover 😉 Coincidentaly Fridae wrote an article on the same topic. Infringement of copyright!Ok so its a decade old topic. Anyway, where are you now? Cos I could have sworn I saw you at my gym the other day…..in Melbourne!

  9. I’m asian and I’m not submissive. That’s why me dating asian boyfriend and playing wifey to Stevie! But do u noe that asian guys are actually as dominating as white guys? Ceh…Hello dajie! Wanted to leave a comment for u. I think that white girlfriends talk a lot when they are disattisfied where else us asians we keep quiet and use evil silent ways to manipulate our men instead (they don’t realise this so they don’t consider us as naggy or expecting) of nagging nagging and nagging. 😛 That’s my 5 cents anyway.

  10. slazzy · · Reply

    omg when i saw your fig.2 photo i burst out in a fit of laughter. it really tickled my stomach to its very core. well done chum!

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