Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Breaking up is hard to do. That song. Have you heard it before? It’s too jocular for my liking. Like mocking a broken heart. “You can’t sleep? You can’t eat? You can’t breathe? Oh well…..”*press play*… “breaking up is hard to dooo-ooh”. Slap in the face! Turn that music off! Pop in the heavy metal. Nothing is worth this pain. My break-up song is every gay mans anthem fully equipped with disco balls, glitter and topless man swaying their hips from side to side, with invincible ropes around their wrists and their hands up in the air. Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive”. The first 3 letters of her surname is an uncanny literary coincidence.
The word breakup itself is too brief for the weight it holds. The word has the staccato sound of a phone slamming down on you — sharp, crisp, final — yet a real-life breakup is anything but. It’s muddled, prolonged, convulted. I have been through 2 major break-ups in my life. Two long term relationships spanning over 2 years and one even hitting the 4 year mark. The hardest part for me was readjusting my view of how I saw my life unfolding and then waking up one day and not being able to see my future because the person I built my future with, was suddenly out of my life. How do u adapt to being without the person when your lives have become so intertwined? It’s scary. That’s why you see loveless couples doing their groceries, having mute dinners and tacit facial expressions void of any emotions. Why? because they are cowards and they have traded all the pain/fear in for a type of misery called security. The easy way out eventually becomes a tedious time consuming weigh-in.
At times of loss, I become nostalgic and I start to question everything that went wrong in my childhood, with my parents, my partners, my friendships, my Polyvinyl-Chloride-pants phase….everything. Common feelings of past hurt, traumas and losses come up. I believe this is what makes break-ups so darn difficult. That sense of failure/rejection re-ignites our past nightmares and suddenly becomes real again.
There’s a familiar phase we all go through. The 3 stages.
Shock. Denial. The numbing of emotions.
This period dealing with all of the above, is the body’s natural protection against pain.
So in fact, according to science, we were all born natural-cowards. Fast swimmers no doubt, but cowards none-the-less.
Fear. Anger. Depression
You will either deal with it by not letting yourself feel. Or worse, not letting go of your feelings.
I’m the latter, which sets me back usually at least a good year or so.
It is not a linear path. Signs that you are getting over it? You don’t think about your ex as often. You laugh about it (without the bitter after-choke). You begin developing new feelings for someone else. There is a new sense of hope.
Basically you don’t have an emotional outburst when you’re fugly-drunk.
This is no thesis. We all go through it. Elton wrote a song about it. Mufasa appeared in the clouds and sang it to Simba. Thank you Disney for teaching us the valuable lessons of life. So why is it that when a relationship ends, we feel there is no beginning? Very simply, I think…it is the venom of love. Been there. Done that. Blogged about it.
Every time you break-up and make-up, a part of the relationship dies. It changes. Especially when it becomes a habit. I have promised myself not to allow Love’s toxin to weaken my heart and chug the train of destruction. But I’ve always been a curious child with a strong heart and I think I’ll stay on this one and hopefully this time, I’ll get to my destination.